Have you ever been kicked out of something? You know that awful feeling of "Wait... what did I do??" as your ass is being metaphorically or physically pushed out of a door, elevator, revolving door, garage door, barn door... basically any entry way. I recently had the pleasure of getting kicked out. Now, I am no stranger to the kicking outage process.. I've been the kicker outer as well as the kickey outey. I just made that up.. I like it. My prior experiences have nothing on my recent banishment. Trust me, I've been kicked out of bars.. twice. Kicked out of stores, kicked out of hearts, kicked out of houses, kicked out of Super Spy clubs.. Yeah Jessica I'm still holding on to that one! We were 8 and I'm sorry my brilliant ideas were too advance for your tiny brain. I was the best Super Spy and you know it! Bitch.
All of those are child's play compared to what happened to me just two months ago. Let's go back shall we? I was living in Seattle, about to embark on an epic adventure. My life is forever changing and I was about to take an awesome step and move to another country. I have lived in other states, countries and visited places that most people my age have never witnessed, so this move was just another part of my ever evolving life. Seriously guys, I've seen some shit! Like actual shit.. I lived in Downtown LA.
I decided to pack up all of my belongings, toss them in my car and begin a cross country trip, with my boyfriend. Oh yeah, I was moving to this country to start a new life and also live closer to my boyfriend. Ya know.. have my happy ending/beginning. Such a silly silly girl.
The drive was great! I had an amazing time! I saw parts of this country that I never thought I would see. Cows. So many cows!! I think I will comfortably go through life without ever seeing a cow again. Oh and corn!! Corn for days! We definitely drove through some Children of the Corn nonsense and I may or may not have pissed my pants every time I saw a scarecrow. We drove through 12 states.. maybe it was 13? I lost count. Soooo many fucking cows! We were getting closer and closer to my new life. I was so excited! I had the love of my life on my left and cows on my right. Bliss. We reached the border. I've never driven to a border before. Tijuana doesn't count, it's just a continuation of California, but with guns, tequila induced decisions, and donkey shows.
The plan was just to drive on through and start our life together. Sounds so romantic right? As we were arriving to the guard station.. I began to sweat and freak out. I felt like I had to puke and take a major deuce all at the same time. I don't know why I was so scared.. it wasn't like I was smuggling heroin or midget strippers.. again. I just had a couple suitcases and a bag of jerky, teriyaki jerky to be exact. That shit is so good. I'm telling you there is something about tearing apart dried dead animal with your teeth.. that just makes you feel alive! Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yes, I was asked to get out of the car and speak with an immigration border control representative.. or major bitch for short. I walked in with confidence and extremely proud of successfully hiding the ungodly amount of boob sweat under my shirt. Seriously, my boob sweat could run an entire irrigation system with no problems what so ever. Buckets!
I answered every question Mrs. umm,. I don't remember her name. We will call her Cuntasaurus Rex. I answered every question Cuntasaurus Rex asked me with prowess and grace. I was very polite and looked her in the eye... I feared she might eat me. She looked hungry. She looked me over and not in the lesbian thirsty way, but in the "I'm going to ruin your life today" way.
She asked me if I have ever been arrested. I immediately said no, because I'm perfect and have never made a mistake..well maybe 7 years ago. Wrong answer. She continued to tell me I was not allowed into the country and that I in fact have never been allowed into the country...including the 6 times I have been previously. My vision blurred and I could only see a blob of skin where Cuntasaurus Rex sat. Is this happening? She was talking and all I could hear was Charlie Browns mom.. whomp whomp whomp. She explained that she would not allow me into the country because I lack in substance and would not add anything to her country. What?? Have you met me? I'm full of substance! I reek of substance.. abuse.. alcohol. Wait! No! I didn't mean that! It was a joke.. ha? See I'm funny! And fucking adorable!? No?
I got kicked out. I got kicked out of Canada.. you know the nicest country on earth? The one with maple syrup and monopoly money? The one where everyone says sorry, eh, and buddy? The one with FREE healthcare?!! The one with a Prime Minister who is sexy as all hell.. Yeah, Justin Trudeau, I'm talking about you, you're beautiful. I'll 'Oh Canada' all over your face. I love you.
Am I proud of getting the boot from Canada? No, not really. Does it make me a bit of a badass? Yup! Sure does! Thank you Canada! Me and my badass-ness will go elsewhere!
QnA:
"Were you really arrested?"
I don't know what you're talking aboot. (See what I did there? They are fools to have not let me in.. Fools!!)
"What happened between you and your boyfriend?"
Well just like Canada he didn't want my awesome substance either.
"Would you ever go back to Canada?"
Maybe, only if sexy Trudeau hits me up. I'm following him on Insta.. we are soulmates.. sexually.
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