Yaass Queen

I have not worn make up in 35 days.  I had to look at my period tracker calendar app to count the days. Me being technologically inept I can’t seem to find a normal calendar on my phone so the color coded ovulation and “damn it didn’t I just have this?” period tracker is my calendar of choice. It is pretty convenient when I’m checking a date and a little color pops up notifying me “No! You can’t go hiking! You are going to be a total bitch for 3-5 days and your murder forecast is 85% probable.” That bad boy has definitely saved me from some messy situations. Yeah, I said it. 

So why sans make up, you ask? Let me take you back to a time of freedom, a time of innocence, a time of pure bliss. It was 1994 I believe I was 8 years old. I can’t confirm that.. my period app lacks a calculator. It was a chilly afternoon, I would say about 80F outside. I’m from Vegas. I had my face pressed against a plasma globe (google it) and stared in wonder at the electricity. And just with that a light bulb turned off and I had a brilliant idea! I’m going to cut my hair!! Like my mom! I’m going to get a short ‘mom cut’ hairstyle and it’s going to be amazing! I begged my mother to take me to the salon for a fresh do. I’m pretty sure I used words like “Pleeeease mom! I want to look just like you!” while she was trying to talk me out of it. But to no avail my mother succumbed to my constant whining and believed my excitement over wanting to look just like her. An appointment was made and my new life was about to begin! 

The stylist turned my chair around and brushed off my neck with a hot pink apparatus to wisp away the recently buzzed hair. Yes, I said buzzed. It was glorious! I looked absolutely magnificent! It somewhat resembled a crossbreed of bowl cut and mushroom top. Stunning. My mom paid the stylist whom I like to refer as a magician.. and we went on our way.  

Had I known how drastically my life would change after that fateful haircut, I might have actually come out to be a normal kid. But nope, that was not the case. Not at all. I was no longer Courtney the cute little girl. I was now known as “Aww the little boy.” My identity and apparently my gender changed that day. I’m telling you.. he was a magician!

Everywhere I went I was referred to as a cute little boy. I was already a sensitive kid and now add gender confusion? Shit, my sister had me believing I was adopted for 10 years. So of course when perfect strangers call me a boy, I believed it! 

I went to the doctor, to see if I in fact had a penis. No I’m kidding.. it was a normal check-up. At least I think so?? (I can just hear all my ex boyfriends gasp! Wait! She had a dick?? .. No dumbass.. No.) I was over trying to find all the objects in the ‘Highlights Magazine’ hidden picture. That stupid cat was always so hard to find! I saw a boy playing with a colorful looking play set in the waiting room, and I decided to join. He was setting up the colors completely wrong. It goes Red Orange Yellow Green Blue Indigo Violet – not Blue Orange Yellow Red Green…. fucking idiot. So as I was showing this amateur how to correctly play, his mother came over and said those chilling words “Aww Nathan, are you playing with the little boy?” I saw red. All I wanted to do was yell “No bitch! Your color incompetent Nathan is playing with a girl!!! A fucking adorable girl!!” But instead I walked away and cried in my chair. 

That day started my journey of overcompensating my gender. My mom allowed me to get my ears pierced. It hurt, it hurt like a bitch. But I had to prove to strangers I was a really cute, funny girl. I wore more dresses and that lead to evil looks to my mother, because why on earth would she let me... A boy.. wear a dress? I had enough!! What else could I possibly do? Other than lifting my dress and showing my bathing suit parts? I found myself back in my room with my face pressed against my plasma globe (seriously google it) and I just couldn’t figure out how to legally show I was a girl. Until it hit me! I’m telling you that plasma ball really inspired great ideas. GLAMOUR SHOTS!! That’s it!! I’ll go to The Meadows mall and get glamour shots!!! What do you do if you are feeling down? Glamour shots!! Where do you go if you want to prove you’re a girl?? Glamour shots!!!!!! This is the best plan ever! 

I didn’t have to do much convincing…my parents agreed on this perfect plan! And who doesn’t want to get glamorous after eating Hot Dog on a Stick? Genius. The lights were bright and the aerosol hairspray was in full effect. I was ready! My themes were of the variety nature. I wore a sunflower hat with a matching vest. I also had the pleasure of wearing a Red White and Blue sequined jacket. ‘Merica.  I felt like a movie star! I felt unstoppable! No one will ever think I’m a little boy after this! I could hardly wait to see the photos! Unfortunately this was 1994 and I had to wait 2 weeks. I told all my friends how amazing I looked, I believe I said the words “Overflowing with femininity” Don’t quote me on that one.. 

This was it! This was the moment!! The photos are in and I can return to being known as a funny cute ridiculously amazing little girl! 

Drag Queen.

I looked like a fucking DRAG QUEEN! And not the fabulous ones you see on TV or in downtown LA. I resembled "Just Pat" after he/she entered into a Toddlers and Tiaras pageant. Horrifying. To this day I shudder every time I sit in a salon chair.

So the reason why I haven't worn make up in 35 days? I got nothing. I guess I'm just lazy as fuck. It must be the little boy in me..  

Unfortunately photos do last forever.