"Everything is fine.. thanks!"

 Hashtag Adulting.


You know the feeling, when you are trying on a pair of skinny jeans in a Forever 21 dressing room? You somehow, by the grace of god, get them all the way on without pulling a muscle. Your Michigan (muffin top) is bursting at the seams and you are losing circulation in your thighs. You say "These will do" as you look how amazing your ass looks squeezed into sweatshop made material. You start to take off the toddler sized jeans, while a heat of panic flows over your body. You can't get them off! They are holding your thighs hostage and never letting go. I don't even think Liam Neeson and his particular set of skills can help you now. Shit! What do I do? I can't waddle out to the 18 year old dressing room attendant and ask her for help. What is she going to do? Snapchat my misfortune and thank god she has a thigh gap? I'm crying at this point, thankfully Justin Bieber's "Sorry" is blasting so the nearby tweens can't hear my sobs. Sobs of desperation and sobs of "What the fuck am I doing here?" You are 30 years old Courtney! What are you trying to prove? At this point you are starting to sweat and every movement you make, like a boa constrictor, the jeans are getting tighter and tighter.

--Knock Knock-- "How's everything going in there?"
Maybe if I hold my breath, she'll go away! "Everything is fine.. thanks."

Is this how I'm going to die? Will my life end here? In this super loud, gum on the wall, terrible lighting, cell of a dressing room? "Courtney lost her life today while fighting a metaphorical pair of jeans in a local shopping mall, she didn't die in vain though.. her ass did look banging."

I say NAY! This is not how it ends! Not today! Not on Rex Manning day! No one in the store understood that reference.. because they are children.
I did what any self respecting woman would do. I pulled the Satan's mistress's pants up, ripped off the tag, and paid for them. I walked out of the store with absolute confidence and loss of oxygen. Pulled the life ruining jeans down to my thighs as I got into the car.. Super happy I chose to wear sassy black panties.. as opposed to period granny ones. Ya know, just in case I get pulled over by a hot cop.. and he falls in love with me and puts the siren on at our wedding. I finally made it to the privacy of my own home and I cut those fuckers off. Never again will I forget who I am.

Never again.