Why am I..

Dear Diary,

Today I learned something about myself. I have been living a lie. A complete and utter lie. I don't know what to do, I can't even look myself in the mirror let alone function as a human being. How did this happen? How do I fix this? Diary, what do I do?? I have been a little down in the dumps as of late and I just needed to do some soul searching, ya know? Find out the inner workings of Courtney. Why am I here? What's my purpose? Why do white girls love pumpkin so much? Naturally I went to the Googles, I needed answers immediately. I typed in "Why am I here?" and underneath all the Evolution vs. Jesus articles I found my answer. I'm so ashamed, I can't even.

Diary, today I found out that I am. Wow! My heart is racing and I'm sweating like a whore in church. Ok.. Diary.. I am in fact.. a Millennial.

Riiiiiight?? I can't believe it either! This entire time I thought I was a Generation Y - which according to the Googles is just a made up generation and it does not exist! I'm an entitled, spoiled, lazy MILLENNIAL! I don't think you understand what this has done to my psyche. I have made fun of Millennials, quite regularly. I have told numerous youngsters to "Go cry in a corner and collect your participation medals!" I think I've also said "Cool start up bro.. did you think of that idea in your Mom's basement? After she paid all your bills? Bitch."

Now what? I can't take all those things back. I can't put my tail between my legs and apologize to the Millennials. How could I reach them? Do they have meetings? Do they have social gatherings in an "apartment" over their parents garage? Should I bring cookies? Uggggh Diary!! I'm so confused!

I guess I could look at this as a gift. I now have an excuse for all my fuck ups and poor decisions I have made in my 30 years of life. I could milk the shit out of this. Diary, I think I just hit a gold mine!

"Courtney, why do you not have a career? Why don't you own a house? You have nothing of substance in your life! Why?"
"Sorry bro.. not my fault. I'm a Millennial."

Perfect! This might actually work out for me! I'm going to write a very heartfelt letter to the Millennials of America, or what I like to call them "Millies." I will express my sincerest apologies for all the mean things I have said over the years and ask to be a member of their Generation. They might even ask me to be President! Hahaha of course not, who am I kidding? I'm a woman. Silly weak woman thoughts! I'll just do all the work and secretly run things from the sidelines while the men get paid more and take the credit!     

Wish me luck!!



UPDATE:

Dear Diary,

Those twats! I just received a rejection letter! Are you kidding me? I didn't want to be in your stupid club anyway. Pussies! I'll just make up my OWN generation! Screw your Pokemon finding, lazy can't pull up your pants, living in your parents basement, never grows the fuck up generation!! What? Am I not broke enough for you? Sorry Millies I actually know how to balance a check book and file my taxes. Tools.
My generation will be called "Super cool, awesome and everything Millennials want to be, but they can't because they suck and most likely have small dicks and daddy issues.. generation!" or

SCAEMWTBBTCBTSAMLHSDADIG for short.

Whatever.