That question is a doozy isn't it? It haunts me wherever I go. First dates, job applications, loan questionnaires, Planned Parenthood.. it's everywhere. You can't exactly tell the truth when you are being asked that, right? If my date asks me about my fears my immediate response would be "Umm not ending this date with me chopped up in your freezer..." But obviously I can't say that, that would be rude and I want this serial killer to like me. Love me!!
So what is my biggest fear? Well besides being a woman? This fear of mine is a constant element in my life. I think about it daily, I've had many sleepless nights just obsessing over this fear, I even went and saw a shaman about it.. he mumbled some Icaros bullshit and said I was fucked. This fear is huge! If a drugged out shaman tells you you're fucked... well.. you're fucked! I don't even want to say my fear out loud.. I don't want the universe getting any ideas! But unfortunately I have come to realize my fear is the inevitable and I might as well address it, head on!
I fear wrongful convicted imprisonment. It's a thing and it will absolutely happen to me. Absolutely! I can hear your eyes rolling... Why would an innocent law abiding young gal like myself get wrongfully convicted? I'm glad you asked! Here's how! Only one word. 3 letters.
D N A
I shed more than a German Shepherd in springtime. My hair is everywhere! You think I'm kidding? Look down. I guarantee my hair is there. Go ahead look around. Your carpet? My DNA. Your shower clogged? My DNA. Your vacuum broke? My DNA. I'M EVERYWHERE!!!!!!! Scary ass shit.. isn't it? My hair will definitely end up in the wrong place at the wrong time and with science being so sciencey.. I'm fucked.
I know your next question. "Why don't you just explain yourself to the detectives when they come to question you? Tell them you couldn't have possibly been in Texas during the murder and express your fear of cowboys and everything big?" See.. well.. I hear you and that would be the obvious and most appropriate way to handle this situation. But here's the thing.. I'm a pretty confident woman and if you add whiskey to the mix, I just reek confidence. If the detectives catch me during happy hour.. or brunch.. maybe partaking in a Sunday Funday.. anytime between 3pm-12am.. The probability of me being whiskey frisky is very high.
"Courtney, we asked you here today to ask a few questions.."
"YEAAAHHHH I did it!! And I'd sure as shit do it again.. bro.. cop man bro! Stabler Law and Order type bullshit you got here.. sir. Can I call you sir? Or blue eyes! I'm gunna call your pretty little face Blue Eyes! Your handcuffs are weak bro, you sexy beast uniform thing wearing.. you. Yeah you.."
Do you understand now? I'm screwed! I'm not going to make it in prison!! I don't care how many episodes of Orange is the New Black you watch.. that shit is just not for me. How the hell would I make a shank? I'm not crafty.. and I sure as hell know they won't let me have a Pinterest account to look up Prison Shank DIY. And even if they did.. I would fail at the shank DIY.. because DIYs are complicated and dumb! I also look hideous in orange and I have a fear of vaginas.
I try and stay friends with all my exes, just to stay on their good side. I'm fully aware they all have a crushed velvet memory box filled with my hair. They take it out from time to time just to smell it and cry.. because they miss me so much. Yeah dudes.. I know. So if they ever wanted to wrong me (more) they could just sprinkle my voodoo doll hairs all over a crime scene.
That being said if any of my exes decided to "mysteriously disappear" just know that it wasn't me! Unless that shithead from the Midwest disappears. I definitely did that. That guy sucked! Big time!
Uh oh! I've dated 2 guys from the Midwest!! Muhahahaha live in fear fuckers!
I'm kidding. Kind of.
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