Hey Santa, it's me Courtney. It's been awhile hasn't it? I'm sorry I haven't written; I've been really busy. There has been a lot on my plate with the Election, the world ending, trying to date - when all I want to do is stay in bed and troll DT on twitter.. it's been a lot to process and deal with.
I can feel your eyes rolling.. Trust me Santa it's really stressful. Okay! Fine! I'll be honest. I have a really hard time writing to a fantasy fat man in the sky. There I said it! I don't think I believe in you. If there was a Santa, why on earth did you allow a narcissistic mad man gain control of the most powerful position in America? How the hell does that make sense Santa? What kind of Christmas miracle is that? Huh? Answer me Christopher T. Cringle!
I'm sorry. I haven't slept much and I haven't had whiskey in weeks. I'm all out of sorts. Forgive me? Let's start over, shall we?
Santa, I haven't asked for much. I hardly ever ask for anything, so please understand how important this is to me. I do have to say I have been pretty decent this year.. I haven't murdered anyone. And oddly I only got into a handful of political fights over social media. That's really good; my big ass mouth has a hard time not calling people out on their shit. You feel me, Santa. People be crazy! But I feel I utilized perfect restraint, a majority of the time.
I also took every hit this year with grace! I didn't have a mental breakdown when yet again I found myself on the other end of a break up phone call. I held it together when everything around me started to crash and crumble. I didn't go through an OCD meltdown when my date decided to lick my face. What the fuck was that all about Santa?? I know you saw it!! How can a girl recover from that? How can my face recover? She still wakes up in the middle of the night freaking out and I have to calm her down "It's not your fault Face! Men are gross and think licking you in public on the first date is socially acceptable." I don't think she will ever be the same..
I've kept a smile on my face during every single derogatory and objectifying conversation I've had with online dating suitors. I didn't punch any balls this year! That has to say something, doesn't it? I didn't say a word when my guy friends sent me messages about how disgusting men are and how sorry they are about men treating me like an object, all while in the same breath calling me "Sexy" and ending it with "We should go out sometime."
Basically what I'm trying to say Santa, I've been a good girl this year and I feel you owe me. I have taken a lot of hits and I think it's about damn time I get what I want! I don't want world peace, I know you're not a magician. It would be nice, but I feel my wishes... wait are these wishes? That feels too Arabian Nights rub my lamp to me. Prayers? Questions? Requests? Whatever I'm not good at this. Where was I? Oh yeah! I don't think my requests can really be of the world peace nature. That's a lot of pressure and I'm not ready for all that commitment.
That being said Santa; I would really like a long soak in a tub, a plate of Mexican food, and a puppy to cuddle.
If you want to throw a dude who loves and respects me in the mix.. I won't be mad.
Thanks Santa! You're a peach! Stay safe out there... it's fucking nuts!
Always,
Courtney
xoxo
No comments:
Post a Comment