Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Welcome.

Hello, welcome to my Blog.

I wrote that salutation in a robot voice. And that last sentence was in a British accent.

I'm a complicated woman.

I wont bore you the details of my many complications, but if you stick around I'm sure you will pick them all out on your own.

So, where do I begin? I had a really delicious breakfast today that consisted of blueberry yogurt and a cup of coffee, black 2 sugars. My mind raced as I read the newspaper and filled out the Sunday crossword puzzle in pen. I could feel the gentle breeze of a nearby fan. It's Nevada, it's hot as fuck. Actually, I'm going to start over. I woke up, contemplated what bridge I was going to fling myself off of.. then reminded myself I have a fear of heights. I turned over to check my phone to see all the missed calls and texts that I actually never received. You are alone. Today is Day 3 of absolute confusion.

Life is like..



Life is like…

You know that feeling you have when your thong finds itself all the way up your ass? And you are walking down a busy street while your brain is racing trying to figure out a way to successfully pull your underwear out without anyone seeing or judging? Obviously you are wearing too small of panties because you can’t accept the fact you got fat! And after an hour or so of fighting and trying to convince yourself you can deal with the pain and discomfort of the lacy unmentionables now finding its way to your colon. You stop.. you just can’t take it anymore! So what if that bitch Nancy from accounting sees and screw Mark the Barber, he shouldn’t be looking at your ass anyway!!  So you shove your hand down your pants and pull that toddler size thong out!!! You are FREE!! It’s amazing, almost orgasmic! You feel on top of the world! You give yourself a mental high five and start thinking about the other amazing things you can accomplish! Shit you can do anything sister friend! You got this!!! Flash forward to 3 minutes later: You crying on the pavement with your thong so far up your vagina you confuse it for child birth and start screaming “You did this to me!! Mother fucker!! Get it out!! Get it out!! I need drugs!!! GIVE ME DRUGS!!”